On the Illogicality of Women
by Tenebrielle
Summary: Spock is having relationship troubles. Kirk and McCoy try to help...with the assistance of a mysterious local beverage.  One-shot, no slash.


A/N: This is just a silly one-shot I came up with about silly relationship problems...rated T for drinking, and that's about it. I just needed to write something fun quick before tackling the mess that has become the next chapter of _Seventh Circle_! Hope you all enjoy.

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><p><strong>On the Illogicality of Women<strong>

"Women," Commander Spock announced to the bottom of his glass, "are illogical."

"Amen," said McCoy, sliding onto the stool on his left.

"I'll drink to that," said Jim as he slid onto the stool on Spock's right. "Spock, what the hell are you doing here?"

Neither Leonard McCoy nor Jim Kirk had been expecting to find the Vulcan taking his shore leave at all, let alone taking his shore leave in the only bar within a hundred light year radius of the _Enterprise_. Now that they had, Kirk was certainly not going to let the opportunity to drink with the straight-laced first officer go to waste. He had been trying for nearly a year to take the Vulcan out carousing, without success. Sensing the amusement potential of this surprising opportunity, McCoy was willing to postpone their planned excursion for a little while to see how things turned out.

"I am looking," Spock answered, morosely swirling the violently violet concoction in his glass, "For a solution to a most difficult problem."

McCoy raised an eyebrow. "Spock, you're just about the last person in the galaxy I'd expect to be lookin' for answers in the bottom of a glass."

The Vulcan turned to face McCoy with the air of a very wise old man explaining quantum mechanics to a slow, overly emotional child. "I was speaking literally, Doctor. I anticipated that you and the Captain would be in this place at some point today, so I endeavored to intercept you. I believe that given your combined experience in this particular field, you may be able to assist me to find a solution to my problem."

Spock quaffed the remainder of his drink, to Kirk's admiration and McCoy's surprise. He wobbled slightly in his seat but managed to steady himself on the bar.

"Bones," Kirk said in a conspiratorial stage whisper, "Don't tell anyone, but I think he's drunk!"

"Quite right, Captain. I am indeed experiencing intoxication. However, I believe the floor of this establishment is not entirely stable."

"That's a symptom of intoxication, Spock," McCoy said dryly.

"Is it? Fascinating."

The Vulcan signaled the bartender with a finger. Kirk edged in before the man could turn away. "I'll have one of whatever he's having."

McCoy's eyebrow rose further towards his hairline. "What?" Kirk said innocently. "I have to catch up somehow."

The bartender glanced at Bones, who rolled his eyes and said: "Gimme a beer. Terran, if you've got any."

"Chicken," Kirk accused as his violently violet drink, adorned with a flamboyant cocktail umbrella, was placed before him.

McCoy smirked. "Jim, I'd like to stay sober enough to _enjoy_ this."

"Suit yourself, Bones. Cheers," Jim grinned, taking a large drink of the violet drink. He promptly turned red and coughed. "Holy sh—Spock, how _many_ of these have you had?" he asked hoarsely.

Spock considered the question as he accepted his own drink. "Approximately three and one quarter, Captain."

McCoy's smirk blossomed into a large grin. Jim shot him a dirty look behind Spock's back.

"I thought Vulcans were immune to alcohol."

"They are," said the doctor.

"The logical conclusion would be that this concoction contains an intoxicant other than alcohol," Spock observed.

Kirk eyed the violet drink warily. He signaled the bartender and pointed at McCoy's Bud Classic. The green-skinned man produced a glass and a full pitcher. Kirk poured himself a drink and glanced at Spock. "So…there was something you wanted to ask us?"

To their collective surprise, the Vulcan hunched slightly over his drink. "Yes. I request your assistance with a problem."

"What sort of problem?" Kirk asked, intrigued. As far as he knew, the Vulcan was not in the habit of taking advice from anyone.

Spock looked profoundly uncomfortable. He drained the remainder of his drink before responding. "Women, Captain."

Jim grinned. McCoy covered his eyes with his hand. "Oh _Lord_."

"It is Lt. Uhura, sir. We…it's…She has refused to speak with me since this morning, sir," Spock explained, retreating behind formality like he always did when flustered.

"Oh for chrissake, Spock, you sound like Chekov. When we're off duty, it's _Jim_," Kirk grumbled, but he still looked like Christmas had come early. "Go on."

"You and the doctor both have considerable experience with human females-"

"Well, I do," grinned Kirk.

"Last I looked, Jim, you haven't been married," McCoy grumbled, glowering at the younger man. He took a long pull of his beer. "Get to the point, Spock, I haven't got all day."

"I thought you might be able to shed some light on the situation," Spock finished.

"So you had a fight?" McCoy asked incredulously, trying to imagine a domestic row between the notoriously uptight communications officer and the Vulcan.

Spock cringed. "I believe it takes two to fight."

Kirk just managed to disguise his guffaw as a cough, but his blue eyes twinkled merrily despite his best efforts. "So she yelled at you."

"Indeed," said Spock, stealing the purple cocktail umbrella from Kirk's nearly untouched drink and twirling it between his fingers to hide his embarrassment. He glanced furtively from one human to the other; hoping one of them might propose an explanation for Lt. Uhura's puzzling behavior without further awkward conversation.

"Okay…It'd help if we knew what you did to set her off, Spock," Kirk prompted.

Spock sighed. "This is precisely the problem. I do not know."

There was a brief silence while Jim and Bones reflected on the disasters of relationships past.

"Was it her birthday today?" Kirk asked, going for the obvious.

"No, her birthday was eighty-nine days ago."

McCoy frowned in thought. "Anniversary?"

"No, it was twenty-five days ago."

"Did you forget about date night?"

"We do not have a designated 'date night.' I have remembered her birthday, our semiannual anniversary, anniversary, the anniversary of our first date, and every other possible holiday up to and including Valentine's Day," Spock said bitterly. "I have not forgotten anything. Nor have I altered my behavior, routine, or any of my usual habits in any way."

Kirk and McCoy goggled at him.

"You mean you actually _remember _all those?" McCoy burst out.

"Yes," said Spock. He turned a puzzled expression onto his incredulous companions. "I was under the impression that human females expect their partners to commemorate 'special' occasions?"

"Um…" said McCoy, dropping his eyes to his glass and finishing the thought with a large swig of beer.

"Theoretically," Kirk shrugged. He glanced at McCoy. "New rule of dating, Bones: never go for the ones who've dated Vulcans. Noted and logged."

"Amen," McCoy muttered. He topped off Kirk's glass then poured himself another beer. "Spock, I don't suppose you _asked _what you did to set her off?"

"Naturally," answered Spock. "Her response was most puzzling. She said I should know what I did."

To his surprise, Kirk and McCoy both groaned. "I hate that," grumbled Bones.

"Me too," Kirk agreed. "It's the worst…"

"Why can't they just tell us _why_ they're mad without gettin' all ruffled up and irritable first?" McCoy exclaimed. He drained his glass and poured himself another.

"Are you familiar with this dilemma?" Spock asked, looking hopefully from one human to the other.

"Expert," said McCoy. Kirk avoided incriminating himself with a neutral shrug, and downed the remainder of his beer.

"Well, Spock, there's an easy solution to your problem," Jim said. "You might not ever know what set her off, but at least you can go back to business as usual."

"What must I do?" Spock asked eagerly.

"Apologize," Kirk replied. McCoy nodded his support.

Spock blinked. "But I did nothing wrong."

The two humans exchanged knowing looks. "That's not the point, Spock," Kirk said.

"The point is _she_ thinks you did something wrong," explained McCoy.

"But-" Spock protested.

"Whether you did or didn't is irrelevant," said Kirk.

"She _thinks_ you did, so you did," McCoy added helpfully.

Spock glanced uncertainly between the captain and the doctor, clearly flustered by this blatant abuse of logic. "But Captain-"

"So you apologize," said Kirk, cutting him off.

"But-"

"You acknowledge she was right," McCoy added, emphasizing this most important of points with a wag of his finger.

"But-"

"And life goes back to normal," Kirk finished, looking satisfied with himself.

It was too much for the intoxicated Vulcan. Spock slumped forward onto the bar, burying his face in his folded arms. "Women are illogical!" he exclaimed in a muffled voice.

"Amen," said McCoy.

"I'll drink to that," said Kirk, as he waved for another round.

**Fin**


End file.
